Twenty!

That's where we are on the Shepherd's Care wait list as of May..

#20

Our agency places around 50 children a year...

and we are number 20...

I just can't help thinking that our family may be getting an amazing Christmas gift this year!!

A Letter to Our Local Library

My children, aged 4 and 7, and myself visited our local library branch today, something we do quite often and with much enjoyment. When I was sorting out the books we had brought home I noticed that the kids had selected a novel. As my oldest has just learned to read novels I was interested to see what she had selected. You can image my disgust and horror upon opening the book to read a graphic description of a dog who had been killed by a pitchfork, how the blood was running down the protagonist's skin and the liberal use of profanity!!!








Flipping through the book I found it was liberally laced with profanity.







I would like to know what was going on in the mind of the person who selected this for the children's library? I would like to ask them if they think parents would enjoying hearing their young child sounding out F--U--CK, F--UCK--FUCK? If they think that is adorable and precocious?







I am afraid those questions might sound a little rude and angry (which I am) and so instead I will strongly suggest that the library adopt some system of sticker labels for books with questionable content in the children's section. We have them for videos and music already, so why not for books?????







I am so extremely relieved that I inspected the book before my 7 year old sat down to enjoy it. I take my kids the library to enrich their minds, not to fill them with FILTH!







Sincerly

Rumour Has It

Someone in our house may have turned 4 recently.

I will neither confirm or deny these rumours

(also, we are Canadian, so we love us our "u"s )

Because 4 sounds awfully old

Impossibly grown up

For my baby boy

(apparently when you are 4 and your Mom lets you eat

candy you need a photo of it..on top of your head)

Slow

Today the beauty was easy to see

(Seriously. This face is why he gets away with so much)

I like to take pictures of my feet in happy places

Nature study

Today I let go of my agenda.

We slowed down, listened to the waves, investigated any little thing that caught our eye.

We walked slow. My little man, so recently non-verbal told me a fantastic story as we went.

The laundry didn't get done nor the garden weeded...

I'm learning, slowly be to more than okay with that.

Beauty & Slime

It wasn't long after making the decision to homeschool that I stumbled across the Charlotte Mason method of education. It was actually one of the things that made me feel comfortable about the decision to educate our children at home because it was everything I longed for as a child but struggled to find in my cookie-cutter schooling. It also reminds me so much of my beloved Grandmother. So much so that I tend to picture my "Merdi" in my head when reading CM's writings. They both were passionate about good books, children and education being about living not dry, dull lessons.

With a few years of homeschooling under my belt I'm confident to say that we've found our niche with a combination of classical studies with a Charlotte Mason approach.

One of the things that really drew me to the CM style was the emphasis on time spent outdoors and nature study. I don't know if it was just the age of my kids though, but I have really struggled to institute the nature study part of our homeschool.

Physically, we are set. Beside our back door hangs our three Ugandan bags. Each with a drawing book, magnifying glass, binoculars and sketching pencils. All crisp and new and totally unused.

I've just finished reading the section of CM's original writings on the importance of nature study so I decided that today was the day. We put aside books and housework, grabbed our bags and headed out into the sunny spring day.

I think this new little footbridge is going to become a favorite spot. All the thrill of a bridge with none of the worry of falling into the pond.

Sun! After months of grey and rain.

It's still very early spring here. The kids decided to investigate the slime growing on the water. I'd never really looked at slime that closely before. It's actually quite neat. How the threads are strung together, trapping air so it doesn't sink.

We looked for signs of growth to come. Only the dandelions out so far.

We took time to look for the beautiful that we might otherwise overlook.

 

I don't know if they learned anything in particular today but I hope that we can do this more often

 I hope that what they come away with is the habit of slowing down and seeing what is all around them.

Seeing the beauty in the world

in the obvious

and even in the slime.

jumping in mid thought....

I remember the years in between Caley and Matthew.

When we were trying to grow our family.

Unsure why it wasn't happening

Wondering if it ever would

Wondering if we would be okay if it never did.

Looking back it was the not knowing that made it the hardest, the uncertainty.

Though I was beyond thrilled when we became a family of four, I do wish that I had taken the time to really appreciate that season of life, life as three.

I wish I had focused more on the gift of the present.


Flash forward five years and I find myself again in this place.

Wondering, praying, hoping for a child.

Will it ever happen?

Will we be okay if it doesn't.

Only now I have the answer to that question. We will be okay no matter what the future holds for us because God is good and His love never fails.

He has promised to never leave us and He has sworn to sustain us.

And in the waiting?

He is growing us.

And in the waiting?

I am living each moment, thankful for the gift that is now.

Ski School!

We really are blessed by the number and variety of home schooling activities available in our area. Most are too old for Caley yet, but we jumped at the chance to participate in a 3 session cross country ski school.

I would never have guessed that the Little Miss, who graciously admits that most sports are "not her talent", would be such a natural skier!

I however demonstrated how to slide down a hill on your face a few times...you know, to show the kids and all :O)

Not the Enemy

I'm going to start off by saying that I am not a perfect parent.

This is a fact of which I am clearly and painfully aware.

I lose my temper, beg for just 10 minutes, please, just 10 minutes, and at times I'm sure my children have thought that I love clean floors more than I love them.

I am a work in progress.

A woman searching for imperfect progress every day. Sometimes every minute of the day.

These are not my kids..

Neither are these.



I've seen these pictures circulated a lot lately on Facebook and blogs.

 And every time I see them I cringe.

Usually they are accompanied by comments commending the parents for really giving it to their kids. "Way to show them who's boss." the commenters all seem to say.

"Way to show them."

You know what I see when I look at these children?

 I see shame.

I see little people, new to this planet, who are feeling so much shame their heads and bodies are bowing under the weight it.

Why have they been made to feel this shame?

Supposedly for not "getting along" with the person they share their parents, home, toys, maybe even room or bed, with. For not being able to navigate seamlessly living with another person. For having not mastered the ability to put aside their own wants and needs in favor of someone else's.

You know what? Neither have I. And I'd be willing to bet it all that their mother hasn't either 

Would anyone think this is an appropriate course of action to impose on spouses who are in the middle of a dispute?

Would anyone suggest that squeezing into one over sized T-shirt together would mend the friction between husband and wife while in the midst of arguing over bills?

In my house we'd be luckily if we both survived it!

So why, oh why is it met with accolades when done to children????

I'd also be willing to bet that the real crime committed here was aggravating their mother. Wearing down her last thread with the arguing and fighting.

I'd like to suggest something that is apparently more radical then I ever believed.

I'd like to suggest that our children are not the enemy.

Oh they can push our buttons like a master organist and leave us clinging desperately to that one last thread of sanity. They seem absolutely oblivious to our physical or emotional needs. Just the other day my 3 year old picked the lock on the bathroom door while I was using the toilet to ask me to change the batteries in his toy. Umm??!! kinda busy here Bud.

They are selfish and loud and demanding and illogical.

But that doesn't make them our adversaries.

It makes them children.

Children who are also inquisitive and inventive and passionate and loving and all kinds of amazing.

If we are willing to see it.

But it takes moving past this them vs me mentality.

It takes being willing to see our children as people, people who are deserving of respect and autonomy.

These are my children.

 These photos were taken one day, before I'd seen the previous photos, when they were just having a hard day. They were having a hard time navigating their relationship. Realizing that they weren't going to be able to work things through on their own and  knowing that they do in fact adore each other, I stepped in to see what could be done.

A modification of the three legged race with Legos that had to be moved from one bin to another had us all holding our sides with laughter. They begged to be allowed to do it again and again. (The first configuration didn't work out too well. Due to their height differences, the little guy got launched!)

Do you see their faces?

Joy

Love

Acceptance

Laughter was the needed medicine to heal the rift in their relationship and let them carry on with the day.

I think sometimes we don't realize that the importance of the message we send our children about who they are. When we shame, blame or inflict pain...that becomes part of their internal voice. The one they carry with them for the rest of their lives...or until they pay lots of money for therapy. 

I read something recently that made me think. The basic gist was that if you couldn't picture yourself using a course of action with your child if they matched you in physical size, it probably isn't an appropriate action to take. That using our larger size to bully and intimidate our children into compliance might work now, but what happens when they are too big and you haven't worked out better parenting strategies? You've either got to figure it out then, or up the anti and use emotional bullying to force your will onto your child.

It was the use of the word "bullying" that got my attention. I immediately become aware of the instances when if my actions had been directed towards someone other than my child, they would have earned me the label of "bully."

In a lot of circles it's called good parenting. Keeping them in line. Not letting them get one over on me. Not letting them win etc.

But let's call it like it is.

It's bullying.

And it's not okay.

Because my children are people.

They deserve to be treated with respect and compassion and understanding for their few years on this planet.

Most of all, beacuse they are not the enemy.

Sensory Beans

About the same time I decided against adding a sensory table to our in-the-works-future homeschooling room, Matthew fell in love with the one at the distance school where Caley has her science classes.

He simply couldn't bear to leave the amazing, precious beans in a bin. So he and I concocted a plan. We drove to the nearest grocery store where he filled a mini shopping cart with bagged beans of his choosing.

When we got home I initially put them in a Rubbermaid container but that was cramped and too deep and just no fun. Fortunately, the train table has a raised edge so it works great (mostly) to keep the beans contained.

Voila! $15 sensory table.

The best part was, they played peacefully for hours and so far only one handful of beans has been thrown into the face of a sibling during a tantrum.



Ghost Mouse

A very kind person gifted our family with a surprisingly life-like fake mouse for Christmas.
Perhaps it was a nod to our frequent disgust and frustration at sharing our living space with unwelcome rodent house guests.

The thing is, this "mouse" has taken to showing up all over the house. And, for a few seconds at least, I fall for it.

Every. Single. Time.

In my bed, on the counter, bookshelf, here, over there...

I haven't deduced yet if the culprit is my seemingly innocent husband or deliciously mischievous 7 year old.

Then there is the sweet anticipation when I notice it has gone from the last place I jumped and gasped  calmly noticed it.

When I went to take a picture of it lurking in the corner of my office this afternoon it had already vanished.
So I'll be looking before putting my hand in drawers or sitting in my chair or laying my head on the pillow. 

Because I'm certain I haven't seen the last of that "mouse".

Happy Email

Checking my phone during Bible study on Thursday (I know, bad) I found this in my inbox.

"Hi Brad & Casey,


I need to apologize as I realized I never sent another email following up after I finished reviewing your dossier. I am pleased to let you know that you are now accepted into our program and being placed on the wait list (you got on the wait list on August 31, 2012 when your dossier arrived). As soon as your file is able to be placed on our active list (average wait 3-4 months from the time your documents arrived) I will be sure to let you know.

Thanks, and we look forward to working with you! Please let me know if you have any questions"

Immediately my mind starts racing...

We will be active by the new year!

We could have our baby in our arm by this time next year!

This might actually happen.

Holy smokes!!!!

Things I've learned this week:

1. Trail bloggers are dirty rotten liars. They say the route is "easy" and only "5 hours round trip" so that you will think they are "awesome!". They are not.

2. If you dig long enough you can find an accurate discription of the route...ohh more like 10 hours round trip over rough terrain. This will only happen once you are home.

3. You can push your children much harder than you would have thought when there is no other choice.

4. My kids are awesome! (unlike the dirty liars mentioned above)

5. If you say "hey, we are almost there" enough times you will lose all credibilty with your children.

6. Seeing your 3 year old 6 hours into the hike will get you incredulous looks from every one you meet.

7. You can buy them packs and load them up but this just means that you will be carrying 3 packs simaltanously. (awkward)

8. Being stuck in a 2 man tent with an exhausted, overwrought 3 year old is what horror movies are made of.

9. My kids rock!

10. Just when you think you've ruined your kids and they are going to hate hiking forever. They say that they would do it again. But only if Daddy comes to carry the gear and Mommy isn't allowed to pick the route. lol

11. In spite of 1 - 10, it was a great trip!

 

Retroactive

I just got an email that our dossier has been received and is ready to be reviewed.

I'm grateful that our agency was willing to pull up their socks and admit that they had caused just too many delays in our adoption process. A little over 2 years from starting to dossier submission is just plain SLOW!

So they worked out with our US agency to accept our paperwork as is and the BC agency will add the updated paperwork as they complete it.

I am so relieved to be beginning the wait.

It's all God's timing anyway right?

Right?

(small sigh)

Hamster in the Wheel

                I had hoped to post the photo of the kids holding up our completed dossier, ready to send two weeks ago. I cannot explain the relief that accompanied having all that paper work finished. Compiling a dossier is brutal on a procrastinator like myself. Lots of annoying finicky stuff and no actual deadline = not a good situation.

                So imagine my frustration when a week after sending it I find out that all of our references have to be redone.

Q-Why couldn't this have happened 2 months ago when we learned we would have to have our home study updated??

A-  I'd like to know too but I'm not sure yet that I can phone the agency and be nice about it.

           I just keep picturing a hamster in it's cage running for all it's worth in the spinner. Working hard and going nowhere. And spending hords of money along the way.

                   I'm very concerned that by the time the references are updated our medicals will have expired as well. Last time it took 3 months to get our HIV test results (thankfully we were very sure of the outcome).
Please pray that we finally get off this wheel and onto the road to our baby!.

My son

My son

 My boy

This child we prayed for two years to conceive. Our hearts groaning to the Father in supplication

"Please"

"Please"

Who's birth story includes words like "catastrophic", "induced coma".....and "miracle"

....also, hysterectomy, loss, grief.

Matthew. The name means Gift From God

And you are.

You are!

Even when I'm so lost to the chaos that I can't see it

You accept nothing without a fight, from the moment your eyes open in the morning

Till the moment, with tears in both of our eyes, that you finally succumb to sleep at night.

You sass-back

You spit in my face when I correct you

You scream endlessly and break almost everything you touch

And then you go looking in cupboards for more..

You pull my hair and tell me no

No

No

No

And I don't always choose grace.

I don't always (often) find the strength to be patient, to speak love.

I scream

I say hurtful things

And I cry

Becausee you deserve for me to be better, to be more.

And when I'm feeling like we are drowning in my inadequacy

Overcome by your spirit

I see your little hands fold in prayer

And a small voice asks "Where did he learn?"

........

I am not enough to temper the storms of your  heart my son.

But HE is

And when I focus on the behavior,

when I let the raised eyebrows get to me, when I let myself think of all the

things you shouldn't be.

I forget

I forget that you are not mine.

You are HIS

And my job, my privilege is to pour myself out

Everyday

To bring your heart to HIS

So He can do a great work.

................

Later, I lay in bed with you and breathe in the scent of your hair

Still a baby smell despite your strong, lean limbs

Murmur comforting words as you writhe and whimper in pain.

Your body growing so fast that it stretches and strains, pulls bone and tissue

I adjust the hot pad and wish that I could take the pain away from you

But that is not the way of the world

We hurt

And growth is painful

and often not pretty

As your breathing evens out I pray for more grace, more strength.

And I'm grateful

For you

My son.

Today's Food for Thought

“What if God’s will for our life is found wherever someone’s need and our ability intersect?”

D.O.N.E.

Dear Lord, I've been told all my life that you never give a person more than they can handle. I'd like to humbly suggest that you might have me confused with someone else. :0)

To The Fair We Go



The churches in area get together every Spring to put on a MCC Fair at the local community hall.

We eat treats, fill up on traditional Mennonite cooking (including the most amazing cottage cheese perogies ever!), play games and support a great cause. All the money raised goes to Mennonite Central Committee to support disaster relief and projects for the needy. In real "loaves and fishes" fashion our little fair raises between $15-$20,000 every year.

Matthew was so amazed by the fishing game :O)

We wouldn't miss it.

Happiness is.....

Getting your first real gun on your 11 th birthday...

Lots of family and friends eager to help try it out...

Rain clouds that only threaten...

Picking wildflowers with best friends...

Throwing rocks in the pond...

Happiness!