A moment

Tonight I laced up my running shoes and pounded my worries into the pavement for the first time in more months than I'd like to admit. It was one of those runs where the stars aligned just right. The air was the perfect temperature, not too hot, not too cold and my body did just what I wanted it to. It was the kind of run I hope for every time I head out but seldom achieve.

As I was running up the steep hill before our road, and admittedly feeling pretty impressed with myself, it suddenly hit me. This time last year I was just being transferred from the ICU down to the maternity ward. The ward where the mat. nurses watched me with nervous eyes, begging me to take it easy, just stay in bed for God's sake we'll bring you whatever you want. They were so unsettled by my experience that they refused to remove my last IV line until moments before I boarded the elevator to leave, unwilling to trust that the miracle would take, worried that I would suddenly collapse in front of them, that death would claim me after all. One year ago....

In the last year I have experienced joy and heartache. I have laughed and loved my family and I have visited the depths of grief. Some days I feel as though I am lost in the monotony of the daily existence. The endless demands of the kids, the same chores over and over. In that moment, while running I no longer felt lost, I felt alive! Like I was really living.

Exhilaration flooded as I pushed myself faster and then faster until I couldn't speed up any more. I felt my muscles burn, mylungs heave, and my heart soar.

I am alive. I just need to remember it more often.