I follow it back, back, back, until, bump, April 20, 2009.
The very best and the very worst day of my life and I wonder, wonder, was that God's plan? When we were blessed to conceive after pouring out my heart to the Father, yearning, praying, for another child. Was it a plan that was set in motion in that moment?
Or was it all the result of a series of unfortunate circumstances? A hidden genetic problem coupled with a large baby and a very (very) long labour? Chance or divine plan? and does it matter? If it was God's plan, all of it, even if I had died. Would it make Him any less worthy of praise?
No.
No, my God is great and most worthy of praise.
Medically speaking, I should have died that day. I know for sure because it seems that every one of the hospital staff felt compelled to tell me, over and over, doctors and nurses, in wondering, bewildered voices. Until I felt like shouting, "hey, can't you see how much you are freaking me out here?"
A few even said the word....
"miracle"
I should have died, yet I lived. Why can't I claim that word? Why can't I claim what my God did for me? I'm alive to hold my babies everyday. To feel the warmth of a loving man. But instead of shouting from the roof top that He saved me, led me through the valley, I shrug it off uncomfortably. Change the subject, moving on people.
Because....
It wasn't what I was expecting. I expected God to protect me from suffering, not lead me to it. Not use my pain for His gain, for His glory. I had expectations in my mind of how things would be, of how HE would be. It was a false image of God, but it still hurt when the image was torn away. It hurts still.
But then, if my expectations had been met, where would we be? Planning another pregnancy instead of adoption. Less grateful for every small moment. Still blind to the sufferings of millions of children in the world. Not on this path at all
Though I would still be physically intact, losing part of myself has resulted in a wholeness that defies blood and bone. That's where I find God. Not that he would inflict pain, but that he would allow suffering that leads, ultimately to Him.
"For I know the thoughts I have towards you......to give you hope and a future"
Nights like tonight, when the memories haunt and sting, I'm holding on the promises of God, hope and a future. Hope and a future. We're all going to be alright.
Exhale.
