I'm going to start off by saying that I am not a perfect parent.
This is a fact of which I am clearly and painfully aware.
I lose my temper, beg for just 10 minutes, please, just 10 minutes, and at times I'm sure my children have thought that I love clean floors more than I love them.
I am a work in progress.
A woman searching for imperfect progress every day. Sometimes every minute of the day.
These are not my kids..
Neither are these.
I've seen these pictures circulated a lot lately on Facebook and blogs.
And every time I see them I cringe.
Usually they are accompanied by comments commending the parents for really giving it to their kids. "Way to show them who's boss." the commenters all seem to say.
"Way to show them."
You know what I see when I look at these children?
I see shame.
I see little people, new to this planet, who are feeling so much shame their heads and bodies are bowing under the weight it.
Why have they been made to feel this shame?
Supposedly for not "getting along" with the person they share their parents, home, toys, maybe even room or bed, with. For not being able to navigate seamlessly living with another person. For having not mastered the ability to put aside their own wants and needs in favor of someone else's.
You know what? Neither have I. And I'd be willing to bet it all that their mother hasn't either
Would anyone think this is an appropriate course of action to impose on spouses who are in the middle of a dispute?
Would anyone suggest that squeezing into one over sized T-shirt together would mend the friction between husband and wife while in the midst of arguing over bills?
In my house we'd be luckily if we both survived it!
So why, oh why is it met with accolades when done to children????
I'd also be willing to bet that the real crime committed here was aggravating their mother. Wearing down her last thread with the arguing and fighting.
I'd like to suggest something that is apparently more radical then I ever believed.
I'd like to suggest that our children are not the enemy.
Oh they can push our buttons like a master organist and leave us clinging desperately to that one last thread of sanity. They seem absolutely oblivious to our physical or emotional needs. Just the other day my 3 year old picked the lock on the bathroom door while I was using the toilet to ask me to change the batteries in his toy. Umm??!! kinda busy here Bud.
They are selfish and loud and demanding and illogical.
But that doesn't make them our adversaries.
It makes them children.
Children who are also inquisitive and inventive and passionate and loving and all kinds of amazing.
If we are willing to see it.
But it takes moving past this them vs me mentality.
It takes being willing to see our children as people, people who are deserving of respect and autonomy.
These are my children.
These photos were taken one day, before I'd seen the previous photos, when they were just having a hard day. They were having a hard time navigating their relationship. Realizing that they weren't going to be able to work things through on their own and knowing that they do in fact adore each other, I stepped in to see what could be done.
A modification of the three legged race with Legos that had to be moved from one bin to another had us all holding our sides with laughter. They begged to be allowed to do it again and again. (The first configuration didn't work out too well. Due to their height differences, the little guy got launched!)
Do you see their faces?
Joy
Love
Acceptance
Laughter was the needed medicine to heal the rift in their relationship and let them carry on with the day.
I think sometimes we don't realize that the importance of the message we send our children about who they are. When we shame, blame or inflict pain...that becomes part of their internal voice. The one they carry with them for the rest of their lives...or until they pay lots of money for therapy.
I read something recently that made me think. The basic gist was that if you couldn't picture yourself using a course of action with your child if they matched you in physical size, it probably isn't an appropriate action to take. That using our larger size to bully and intimidate our children into compliance might work now, but what happens when they are too big and you haven't worked out better parenting strategies? You've either got to figure it out then, or up the anti and use emotional bullying to force your will onto your child.
It was the use of the word "bullying" that got my attention. I immediately become aware of the instances when if my actions had been directed towards someone other than my child, they would have earned me the label of "bully."
In a lot of circles it's called good parenting. Keeping them in line. Not letting them get one over on me. Not letting them win etc.
But let's call it like it is.
It's bullying.
And it's not okay.
Because my children are people.
They deserve to be treated with respect and compassion and understanding for their few years on this planet.
Most of all, beacuse they are not the enemy.
