A Good Catch

Nine years ago today, this man pledged to be my partner, my team-mate through all life's ups and downs. He is a terrific father, and though the art of loading a dishwasher may be lost on him, he makes me the luckiest woman alive.




( I think he might have learned a few of his tricks from this guy here)

She can count

Yesterday in the car Caley was listing all the names of all of her dolls. "I have five babies" she told me "that's a lot for one Mommy." After I had agreed with her, she continued "and you have three babies." "Really?" I asked, thinking perhaps she was including her Daddy in the count. "Yes." she said solemnly "You have me 'n Matthew 'n my Baby Sister."

Oh, the faith of a child!

Example B

I'm not always the best mom. Some days I'm tired (heck exhausted), my tongue is sharper, and instead of engaging the kids in educational activities, I focus on just making it through the day. As much as I would like for my kids to be only influenced by the good days I know that they are always watching, soaking it up, being lead by my example. Holy crap what a scary thought. Who decided that I was a good example for anyone?
It worries me, quite frankly. Because this is so important to me, I want to get it right (umm, yeah, okay, I'm working on the perfectionist thing). Tonight as I was walking through the kitchen, I saw this.
Her little wee loaf nestled up close to mine, and for a moment I decided to cut myself some slack. Maybe she'll remember me as a controlling health nut who over reacted over store bought crap, oh I mean, food. But chances are just as good that she'll remember spending time together in the kitchen, the feel of the firm dough beneath her hands and the satisfaction of making something good from nothing. Maybe she'll remember how sometimes it's worth making sacrifices, like taking the time to bake bread every week, if you believe it's important for your family. Maybe she'll follow my examples and maybe not, but without a doubt, knowing that she and her brother are watching inspires me to be a better person everyday.

Increasing Lightness

Like the burning off of an early morning fog, when the sun begins to pierce the mist, lightening the shadows and clearing perception, I am slowly emerging from the exhaustion of the last 2 weeks. Truth be told it was more than fatigue that had me feeling like I was living in a dark tunnel of self recrimination, unmet expectations, and lowered tolerances. If I were being totally honest I might admit to moments where I wondered if perhaps there was something bigger afoot. Moment where I thought I spied the foreboding shadow of depression around, settling on me, making a home in my heart and in my mind.

Now I am waking up again to all the little joys and blessings in my life. I didn't really realize how bad I had been feeling until today, when I realized that I hadn't take out my camera in two weeks. Two weeks without taking a picture! Now, I am by no means an accomplished photographer, but I get a lot of pleasure out of capturing our little life on "film" and am rarely without a camera pressed to my eye. Today while Caley was at school, I dusted the old flash box off and watched through the lens as Matthew explored the first real summery day we have had this year.

He watched enraptured as Tristen and Trevor climbed the pine tree in the loop. I could almost see him trying to figure out how to get up there himself.

Inevitably though, combining a newly walking toddler with shorts resulted in tears and mishaps. My poor little guy got his first skinned knees on the front patio. I have the feeling that it is just the first of many such injuries.

I am enjoying the break from too many commitments and the general lightening of the world around me. Perhaps some day I will get to a place where I am no longer vulnerable to the crushing dark. Perhaps some day I will be better able to hang on to the God of light and his promises, even in the shadowy places.

I wonder if she can learn to tap dance?

We had a chance to go see the always cheerful, and talented Shawna last weekend and participate in a promotional kids photo contest.

Timing it for right around nap time...not the best move, but Shawna managed to get some shots I love.

The Boo won us a free on location photo session... One small step towards my dream of some day being supported in a life of luxury by my children (leave me my dreams)

A moment

Tonight I laced up my running shoes and pounded my worries into the pavement for the first time in more months than I'd like to admit. It was one of those runs where the stars aligned just right. The air was the perfect temperature, not too hot, not too cold and my body did just what I wanted it to. It was the kind of run I hope for every time I head out but seldom achieve.

As I was running up the steep hill before our road, and admittedly feeling pretty impressed with myself, it suddenly hit me. This time last year I was just being transferred from the ICU down to the maternity ward. The ward where the mat. nurses watched me with nervous eyes, begging me to take it easy, just stay in bed for God's sake we'll bring you whatever you want. They were so unsettled by my experience that they refused to remove my last IV line until moments before I boarded the elevator to leave, unwilling to trust that the miracle would take, worried that I would suddenly collapse in front of them, that death would claim me after all. One year ago....

In the last year I have experienced joy and heartache. I have laughed and loved my family and I have visited the depths of grief. Some days I feel as though I am lost in the monotony of the daily existence. The endless demands of the kids, the same chores over and over. In that moment, while running I no longer felt lost, I felt alive! Like I was really living.

Exhilaration flooded as I pushed myself faster and then faster until I couldn't speed up any more. I felt my muscles burn, mylungs heave, and my heart soar.

I am alive. I just need to remember it more often.

and experience it he did

Spring weather on the west (wet) coast is really hit or miss. One moment it will be a beautiful sunny day and then before you know it, the wind picks up, dark clouds move in, and it rains torrentially for 3 days. So you've just got to make hay while the sun shines, or head to the beach when the sun shines in our case, which is just what we did.


It was warm and sunny and we had the whole expanse of sandy shore to ourselves. This is probably the first beach trip that Matthew has been old enough to really experience

We ran down the beach....

found beautiful shells.....

got our hands sandy...which is happiness in my book.

When Matthew started making his way to the surf I wasn't too worried about it. After all it may have been a warm spring day, but the ocean is April is frigid anyway you look at it. I thought he would just feel the water and head for a better, warmer playing ground.

Or not!

He crawled right into the water with a huge smile on his face. He splashed around, ate seaweed and sticks and generally enjoyed the large, albeit cool, bathtub until the rapidly incoming tide forced us to make a quick retreat up the beach.

I guess he just decided that he was ready for his salt water baptism.

Let it soak into your veins little guy, let it soak in. Once it does a part of your heart will be tied to it forever, wherever you go, you'll always be a coastal child.