Information overload?

Look what came in the mail this week. This binder contains our homestudy paperwork and education component. It is one thick binder.




Now we are just waiting to hear from the social worker to set a date for our first home study visit. Probably in the New Year now that we are so close to the holidays.

and we are away...

I got confirmation on Friday that our application to adopt had been recieved.

We're off.

I'm going to be ripped

Back in the day (ahem, let's not talk about how far back okay?), before kids, working crazy hours and life got in the way, I used to really enjoy weight training. I loved the challenge, the mental effort involved and seeing myself getting stronger each week. 45 minutes in the gym, 5 days a week will do that. One of the first things I learned was what was actually occurring in the muscles. How the fibers were forming small tears as I worked, which when healed, made the muscle bigger and stronger.

The heart is a muscle too. You see, a while back God began breaking my heart. Just a bit at a time, as he opened my eyes and allowed me to begin to see through his. Sometimes it's a photo, a statistic or a verse that does me in.

As I sat broken hearted last night, I asked him why.

"Why? Why are you doing this, LORD? What good does this pain serve anyone?"

And then I remembered how muscle is built, one small break at a time.

Like the Grinch with his Grinch feet deep in the snow, who stood puzzling and puzzling. How could it be so, God's growing hearts in sizes.

Apparently I'm a needless worrier

Well, that was ridiculously easy. Get references done-check.

Awkward is my middle name

All sorts of social interactions make me nervous. I know without a doubt that when social graces were being handed out, I was either busy tripping over my shoelaces or standing the corner engrossed in a mental debate over the best way to ask someone if I could borrow their pencil. I love people. All sorts of people. I find the diversity of experience and personality fascinating. I just don't really know how to interact with anyone over the age of 10. The more I try to play it cool the worse it gets.
"Eye-contact. Make eye-contact. Wait! How much is too much? Is this good eye-contact, or I'm a creepy stare into your eyes person eye-contact. Nod, nod, I agree. Oh crap, I think I must look like a stupid bobble-head doll." etcerta, etcetra.
Or the best "Oh crap, did that just come out of my mouth?" moments.

Over the years, I've learned to laugh at myself for my social awkwardness and at least partially accept that I will never ever, on this planet, be the life of the party (or meeting, or lunchtime or play date or..)

I've also learned to accept that I tend to get off topic easily. Like now. The point is that we need 5 references for our adoption application. Two family and 3 non-family. 5 people or couples who will be willing to state that we are neither nut-jobs or child abusers. This sounds easy right? Cue the social awkwardness, please. The family choices were easy. Since my mom is a bit of nut-job, although a very lovely one, and we see my other siblings 2-3 times a year tops, my side of the family was out. Thankfully, Brad's parents and sister readily agreed to vouch for our child-rearing deservedness.
Now for the non-family references it was pretty easy to decide who would be the best the use: our pastor and his wife, our closest couple friends (also only couple friends who are still married), and my business partner. Easy....except I have yet to ask a single one. It's kinda the only thing holding us up right now. I mean, I think we're great(ish) parents, but I think some small part of me is worried that they won't. How awkward would that be?
"Actually, I don't think you should adopt because you're screwing up enough kids already." Huh, yeah, that would suck.
And then, is there a social convention for this sort of thing? Can I ask my friend through Facebook? Because this time of year, with 5 plague infested kids between us, I might not see her for months. The hamster on the wheel in my brain goes round, and round, and round and lands on "put on your big girl panties and do it already." Which is what I'll just have to do, bobble-headed, staring eyed and all.

scraped spiritual knees

"When learning to walk sometimes you fall."

One Less safe spot

Oh boy, look what I learned how to do this weekend.

First step, make sure Mommy isn't looking....pull out kitchen chair


Using only the friction of your hands and a single toe hold....

...up I go...

...aha the table, where all the good stuff has been hiding all my life...

..like Mommy's Bible and these shiny, shiny things...

success! Today the table, tomorrow the world.

Why is Mommy banging her head against the wall?

(This was only cute the first time. Short of removing all the chairs I can't think of a way to keep him off the table.)

A Good Catch

Nine years ago today, this man pledged to be my partner, my team-mate through all life's ups and downs. He is a terrific father, and though the art of loading a dishwasher may be lost on him, he makes me the luckiest woman alive.




( I think he might have learned a few of his tricks from this guy here)

She can count

Yesterday in the car Caley was listing all the names of all of her dolls. "I have five babies" she told me "that's a lot for one Mommy." After I had agreed with her, she continued "and you have three babies." "Really?" I asked, thinking perhaps she was including her Daddy in the count. "Yes." she said solemnly "You have me 'n Matthew 'n my Baby Sister."

Oh, the faith of a child!

Example B

I'm not always the best mom. Some days I'm tired (heck exhausted), my tongue is sharper, and instead of engaging the kids in educational activities, I focus on just making it through the day. As much as I would like for my kids to be only influenced by the good days I know that they are always watching, soaking it up, being lead by my example. Holy crap what a scary thought. Who decided that I was a good example for anyone?
It worries me, quite frankly. Because this is so important to me, I want to get it right (umm, yeah, okay, I'm working on the perfectionist thing). Tonight as I was walking through the kitchen, I saw this.
Her little wee loaf nestled up close to mine, and for a moment I decided to cut myself some slack. Maybe she'll remember me as a controlling health nut who over reacted over store bought crap, oh I mean, food. But chances are just as good that she'll remember spending time together in the kitchen, the feel of the firm dough beneath her hands and the satisfaction of making something good from nothing. Maybe she'll remember how sometimes it's worth making sacrifices, like taking the time to bake bread every week, if you believe it's important for your family. Maybe she'll follow my examples and maybe not, but without a doubt, knowing that she and her brother are watching inspires me to be a better person everyday.

Increasing Lightness

Like the burning off of an early morning fog, when the sun begins to pierce the mist, lightening the shadows and clearing perception, I am slowly emerging from the exhaustion of the last 2 weeks. Truth be told it was more than fatigue that had me feeling like I was living in a dark tunnel of self recrimination, unmet expectations, and lowered tolerances. If I were being totally honest I might admit to moments where I wondered if perhaps there was something bigger afoot. Moment where I thought I spied the foreboding shadow of depression around, settling on me, making a home in my heart and in my mind.

Now I am waking up again to all the little joys and blessings in my life. I didn't really realize how bad I had been feeling until today, when I realized that I hadn't take out my camera in two weeks. Two weeks without taking a picture! Now, I am by no means an accomplished photographer, but I get a lot of pleasure out of capturing our little life on "film" and am rarely without a camera pressed to my eye. Today while Caley was at school, I dusted the old flash box off and watched through the lens as Matthew explored the first real summery day we have had this year.

He watched enraptured as Tristen and Trevor climbed the pine tree in the loop. I could almost see him trying to figure out how to get up there himself.

Inevitably though, combining a newly walking toddler with shorts resulted in tears and mishaps. My poor little guy got his first skinned knees on the front patio. I have the feeling that it is just the first of many such injuries.

I am enjoying the break from too many commitments and the general lightening of the world around me. Perhaps some day I will get to a place where I am no longer vulnerable to the crushing dark. Perhaps some day I will be better able to hang on to the God of light and his promises, even in the shadowy places.

I wonder if she can learn to tap dance?

We had a chance to go see the always cheerful, and talented Shawna last weekend and participate in a promotional kids photo contest.

Timing it for right around nap time...not the best move, but Shawna managed to get some shots I love.

The Boo won us a free on location photo session... One small step towards my dream of some day being supported in a life of luxury by my children (leave me my dreams)

A moment

Tonight I laced up my running shoes and pounded my worries into the pavement for the first time in more months than I'd like to admit. It was one of those runs where the stars aligned just right. The air was the perfect temperature, not too hot, not too cold and my body did just what I wanted it to. It was the kind of run I hope for every time I head out but seldom achieve.

As I was running up the steep hill before our road, and admittedly feeling pretty impressed with myself, it suddenly hit me. This time last year I was just being transferred from the ICU down to the maternity ward. The ward where the mat. nurses watched me with nervous eyes, begging me to take it easy, just stay in bed for God's sake we'll bring you whatever you want. They were so unsettled by my experience that they refused to remove my last IV line until moments before I boarded the elevator to leave, unwilling to trust that the miracle would take, worried that I would suddenly collapse in front of them, that death would claim me after all. One year ago....

In the last year I have experienced joy and heartache. I have laughed and loved my family and I have visited the depths of grief. Some days I feel as though I am lost in the monotony of the daily existence. The endless demands of the kids, the same chores over and over. In that moment, while running I no longer felt lost, I felt alive! Like I was really living.

Exhilaration flooded as I pushed myself faster and then faster until I couldn't speed up any more. I felt my muscles burn, mylungs heave, and my heart soar.

I am alive. I just need to remember it more often.

and experience it he did

Spring weather on the west (wet) coast is really hit or miss. One moment it will be a beautiful sunny day and then before you know it, the wind picks up, dark clouds move in, and it rains torrentially for 3 days. So you've just got to make hay while the sun shines, or head to the beach when the sun shines in our case, which is just what we did.


It was warm and sunny and we had the whole expanse of sandy shore to ourselves. This is probably the first beach trip that Matthew has been old enough to really experience

We ran down the beach....

found beautiful shells.....

got our hands sandy...which is happiness in my book.

When Matthew started making his way to the surf I wasn't too worried about it. After all it may have been a warm spring day, but the ocean is April is frigid anyway you look at it. I thought he would just feel the water and head for a better, warmer playing ground.

Or not!

He crawled right into the water with a huge smile on his face. He splashed around, ate seaweed and sticks and generally enjoyed the large, albeit cool, bathtub until the rapidly incoming tide forced us to make a quick retreat up the beach.

I guess he just decided that he was ready for his salt water baptism.

Let it soak into your veins little guy, let it soak in. Once it does a part of your heart will be tied to it forever, wherever you go, you'll always be a coastal child.

Do you?

Do Lord, Oh, do Lord, do remember me.
Do Lord, Oh, do Lord, do remember me.
Do Lord, Oh, do Lord, do remember me,
Way beyond the Blue.

I've got a home in Glory Land that outshines the sun,
I've got a home in Glory Land that outshines the sun,
I've got a home in Glory Land that outshines the sun,
Way beyond the Blue.

Do Lord, Oh, do Lord, do remember me.
Do Lord, Oh, do Lord, do remember me.
Do Lord, Oh, do Lord, do remember me,
Way beyond the Blue.

I took Jesus as My Savior, you take Him too,
I took Jesus as My Savior, you take Him too,
I took Jesus as My Savior, you take Him too,
While He's still calling you.

Do Lord, Oh, do Lord, do remember me.
Do Lord, Oh, do Lord, do remember me.
Do Lord, Oh, do Lord, do remember me,
Way beyond the Blue.

Do Lord, Oh, do Lord, do remember me.
Do Lord, Oh, do Lord, do remember me.
Do Lord, Oh, do Lord, do remember me,
Way beyond the Blue.



Sometimes I wonder if he does....

Only 4 more days...

..till Easter.

These are the little lovies The Boo and I made to live on the kitchen table.

The chocolate is coming...

The real reason I had children

When I was 16 I broke my ankle in three places sliding into home base at a softball practise. (ouch) It healed up pretty well, the only lingering consequence is that I can't wear shoes without good, sturdy support without immediate, deep, achy pain.. I know there are a lot of women out there who suffer untold agonies for fashion, but I will never be one of them. Call me a wimp, whatever. The point is, I am a wimp who can only wear running shoes or hiking boots, expensive ones. The cheap ones just don't cut it with my tyrannical foot joint. Why does this matter? It means that until 5 years ago, I was a woman with an unsatisfied shoe fetish. I could only stare through the glass window at all the beautiful shoes or run a finger down a row of heeled, shiny beautiful foot adorners. But then, my first child was born and hallelujah, bring on the shoes!

These sweet little things are the current residents of Monkey-Child's shoe bin. (Not photographed are the 4 pairs of boots in the mudroom)

Four little pairs of size 3 shoes make me so happy.

Now, if I could only convince him to keep them on his feet.

Coming up with titles is going to be the hardest part

I downloaded my camera card tonight with the photographic evidence of the last two days in the Beaton household. I feel like I've rarely gotten to sit down in the last 48 hours what with house projects and craft projects and a cranky, nonsleeping teething 11 month old.

I'm trying hard to do more craft type projects with The Boo since she enjoys them so much. Here she is, hard at work on her Easter egg tree.

Monkey -Child has just learned how to open drawers and cupboards. Yahh for him, sucks for me. So yesterday I pulled out the trusty power drill and installed child-proof latches in the kitchen and bathroom. Monkey -Child had a great time emptying out every cabinet as I worked on it. Now it's time to sit back and snicker as Brad repeatedly attempts to open the cupboards, forgetting about the latches every. single. time. Hey, it should slow down his foraging through the kitchen complaining about the lack of good (chemical laden, fat oozing, man-made) food in the house. Bonus.

I think that I am in love with Babylegs. Seriously have you ever seen anything cuter than this? It is taking all of my self control not to order up a dozen more in all different colours and patterns.

Hello. Hi. Whatcha doing Mama? Look at the baby. Look at me. At me. Right here. What if I get closer? There can't miss me. Hello. Hi. Whatcha doing Mama?

Being alone with the kids so much, there are almost no pictures of us together, so today I tried out the self-timer on my new camera. Unfortunately the warning sound scared the living crap out of Monkey -Child. This is the only picture where he doesn't look totally traumatized.

Okay, so he looks slightly traumatized, I swear this was the best one of the bunch.



I finished the fabric covered bulletin board and drawing hanger board today. This corner is going to for The Boo to put up her completed homeschool projects and art work. I made another one of the covered bulletin boards for beside the table as well.

I also made homemade mozzarella cheese for the first time last night. It turned out not too bad if I can say so myself.

I also tried the homemade granola bar recipe again and they were much better this time. I used Craisons and chocolate chips and I think that they are tastier than the Kashi ones from the store. But Brad says the Kashi ones are like chewing cardboard anyways. It nice to have a low standard to work up from.

What was I thinking

You know, there was a time when I would fantisize about the little climber babies I was going have. My children were surely going to cut their teeth on carabeaners and navigate the house like little chimps with their feet rarely touching the floor.

Obviously this was before I had children. Now, I would appreciate it very much if he would just keep himself on the ground.

Please Buddy?