Then I look at this picture again, and WHAMO, it's back, like releasing a stretched out slinky.
On Saturday we went to a 6th birthday party at the beach for G, whom we have known since he was born, a month before Caley. They have grown up (ish) having playdates and barbeques together, running amuck while the adult people converse in sentences with more than 3 words and eat food that is actually (hopefully) still hot.
This year G started full day kindergarten in a K/1 split. This year was the first year that he had a "friend" party, inviting about 10 children from his class.
This is the first time the big "difference" has shown itself.
This was the expression on Caley's face for most of the party.
Bewilderment...
Why were those children all running around, repeating what the last one had said, only louder? Over and over, until they were all chanting something nonsensical, seemingly without realized that it was nonsense at all.
What was the structure of this play? Once or twice she tried to join in, but it was like it was a dance and she couldn't discern the rhythm. Quickly she returned to observing.
At one point I heard her correct them under her breath "they're not "buggy-dudes" (the phrase being chanted in a manner reminiscent of Lord of the Flies), they are insects." Said quietly, to herself before returning to patting the sand around her feet.
And my heart hurt for her.
She didn't fit.
And it hurt me to see.
And I felt guilt! Waves of nasty, nasty guilt that soaked in and settled in the pit of my stomach.
I did this!
My baby didn't fit...and she knew it, she felt it.
This decision to home educate has made her a square peg in a world where she will encounter many, many round holes.
And from here on out, it is only going to get more apparent, more obvious.
(cue guilt, and a slight feeling of panicky self doubt)
We all want our kids to be loved and accepted by others; for the world to see them as we do.
As I was watching this play out, a burst of loud laughter drew my attention to a group of Moms who were sitting a few feet away, drinking beer. Laughingly they were discussing how annoying it was when their husbands got drunk and suggested a three-way with one of their friends. .(blink....wha?)
Now quite likely the conversation started out on a different topic and maybe drinking is a common activity at a sixth birthday and I just wasn't aware of it. But I realized that I don't fit either. The kids aren't the only ones being shaped by this conscious decision to live a life apart of our "Babylon" culture.
Then, something about the way the setting sun was shining through the clouds caught Caley's imagination and she turned her face to the sky, threw out her arms and began to twirl. Barefoot in the sand with total abandon. The picture of innocent joy in the world.
And I was suddenly okay with it....
I'm okay with it because I know the One who is molding her.
And He is doing a pretty amazing job.
(Okay with it until those 1am moments where I lie awake in bed and come to the conclusion that I'm irrevocably screwing up my kids that is)
(Disclaimer: Caley has many friends, most of whom are also homeschooled, of various ages, with whom she most definitely "fits".)
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