My son

My son

 My boy

This child we prayed for two years to conceive. Our hearts groaning to the Father in supplication

"Please"

"Please"

Who's birth story includes words like "catastrophic", "induced coma".....and "miracle"

....also, hysterectomy, loss, grief.

Matthew. The name means Gift From God

And you are.

You are!

Even when I'm so lost to the chaos that I can't see it

You accept nothing without a fight, from the moment your eyes open in the morning

Till the moment, with tears in both of our eyes, that you finally succumb to sleep at night.

You sass-back

You spit in my face when I correct you

You scream endlessly and break almost everything you touch

And then you go looking in cupboards for more..

You pull my hair and tell me no

No

No

No

And I don't always choose grace.

I don't always (often) find the strength to be patient, to speak love.

I scream

I say hurtful things

And I cry

Becausee you deserve for me to be better, to be more.

And when I'm feeling like we are drowning in my inadequacy

Overcome by your spirit

I see your little hands fold in prayer

And a small voice asks "Where did he learn?"

........

I am not enough to temper the storms of your  heart my son.

But HE is

And when I focus on the behavior,

when I let the raised eyebrows get to me, when I let myself think of all the

things you shouldn't be.

I forget

I forget that you are not mine.

You are HIS

And my job, my privilege is to pour myself out

Everyday

To bring your heart to HIS

So He can do a great work.

................

Later, I lay in bed with you and breathe in the scent of your hair

Still a baby smell despite your strong, lean limbs

Murmur comforting words as you writhe and whimper in pain.

Your body growing so fast that it stretches and strains, pulls bone and tissue

I adjust the hot pad and wish that I could take the pain away from you

But that is not the way of the world

We hurt

And growth is painful

and often not pretty

As your breathing evens out I pray for more grace, more strength.

And I'm grateful

For you

My son.